Think Everyone Is Having More Sex Than You? Experts Disagree

It turns out there’s no specific number of times couples should be aiming for when it comes to intimacy.

For some couples, maintaining a regular intimate life comes naturally. However, for many, the frequency of intimacy changes over time and is not as frequent as during the honeymoon phase. It’s easy to look at others and think they might be enjoying more intimacy, leaving you to wonder about your own relationship satisfaction. But if you’ve been asking yourself how often most couples really have sex, the answer might surprise you. Experts suggest that the frequency might be less than what you imagine, and it isn’t necessarily indicative of a happier relationship.

Vanessa Marin, a seasoned psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, gathered insights from nearly 70,000 individuals. Most of her respondents fit into three groups concerning how often they engage in intimacy with their partner.

“Typically, couples with children tend to have less frequent sex compared to those without, although the difference might not be as stark as commonly assumed,” Marin observed.

From Marin’s research, many assumed that other couples enjoy intimate moments two to three times each week. However, in truth, only about 25% of those surveyed reported reaching these figures. This perception not only misrepresents the norm but also misguides people into thinking it is a benchmark of a healthy relationship.

Marin believes focusing on how often you engage in sexual activities misses the point. “I don’t think there’s a particular number that defines a ‘healthy’ sex life,” she states. “Pondering on ‘how much sex should we be having’ isn’t the right question, because quality matters far more than quantity.”

There’s a misconception that everyone else is enjoying remarkable intimacy, and this often pushes individuals to try and keep up. Yet, if the act isn’t fulfilling, simply increasing the frequency can dampen interest over time, Marin elaborates. “Unfortunately, especially among women, many describe their experiences as mundane and repetitive. Often, it seems to focus on satisfying their male partners, with little satisfaction or orgasm for themselves,” she explains. “By prioritizing quality, the experience becomes more rewarding.”

Enhancing quality involves self-reflection, Marin suggests. Consider whether you feel genuinely connected to your partner, whether you’re engaging in activities that excite you, and whether you derive pleasure, culminating in orgasm. “Once couples shift their focus to the quality of their sexual encounters, the quantity often aligns naturally. Quantity ceases to be a concern when both partners find the experience genuinely satisfying,” she states.

Marin also evaluated the satisfaction levels of couples regarding their sexual lives. Remarkably, there was minimal difference in happiness among those who engaged in intimacy two to three times a week, versus once a week, or even two to three times a month. More frequent sex didn’t equate to increased relationship satisfaction.

“As a therapist, I’ve worked with couples who have frequent sexual encounters yet feel a lack of connection and fulfillment, and with couples who are seldom intimate but genuinely content,” she notes. “Sex is an effortful act that requires time and openness to connect with your partner. But there’s no specific frequency that guarantees success.”

If you and your partner are content with your sex life, that’s wonderful – no need to alter anything. On the flip side, if there’s dissatisfaction or unmet needs, seeking the guidance of a sex therapist can be beneficial. “If discussing your sexual life is challenging, or if it falls short of your aspirations, or if you wish to explore possibilities, sex therapy can be invaluable. I’m biased, of course, but I believe it can make a significant difference,” Marin remarks.

Ultimately, if you and your partner are both content with your intimate life, there’s no pressure to change. Support and guidance are available if you desire more from your intimacy.