Comedy is all about pushing limits, finding humor in the uncomfortable, and making us laugh at the absurdities of life. The best jokes toe the line between offensive and hilarious—clever enough to make us think but sharp enough to make us squirm.
That’s exactly the spirit of these seven long-form jokes about fat people. They’re dark, boundary-pushing, and unfiltered—but they come from a place of wit, not cruelty. If you love humor that steps outside the politically correct bubble, these are for you.
1. The Dietitian’s Nightmare
A guy walks into a nutritionist’s office, looking concerned. “Doc, I think I might have an eating problem.”
The nutritionist glances up, takes one look at him, and says, “I’m listening.”
“Well,” the guy says, “I recently bought one of those smart fridges. You know, the kind that tracks what you eat, logs your calories, and gives you health tips.”
The nutritionist nods. “That’s great! Has it helped?”
The guy shakes his head. “No. Last night, I opened the fridge, and instead of telling me my calorie intake, it just sighed and said, ‘Really?’”
2. The Personal Trainer’s Gamble
A personal trainer is working with a new client who’s struggling with his weight. After weeks of failed workouts, the trainer gets desperate.
“Alright,” the trainer says, “let’s make a deal. If you lose 50 pounds, I’ll give you a thousand dollars.”
The client lights up. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
Two months later, the trainer sees him walking into the gym, looking exactly the same.
“What happened?” the trainer asks.
The client shrugs. “I did the math. At my current weight, if I lie down and don’t move, I save more than a thousand bucks in calories alone.”
3. The Reality Check
A man steps on his talking scale, and it immediately shuts down.
Concerned, he calls the manufacturer.
“My scale won’t work,” he says. “I think it’s defective.”
The customer service rep sighs. “Sir, does the display say anything at all?”
The man checks. “Yeah, it just says ‘One at a time, please.’”
4. The Doctor’s Warning
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor looks at his chart, sighs, and says, “Alright, I’m gonna be honest with you. You need to lose some serious weight.”
The man scoffs. “C’mon, doc. It’s not that bad.”
The doctor raises an eyebrow. “Your blood type is marinara.”
5. The Airport Conundrum
A guy gets to the airport and approaches the check-in counter.
The agent looks at him and says, “Sir, will you be checking any bags today?”
The man grins. “Nope, just my carry-on.”
The agent glances down at his belly and says, “I’m sorry, sir, but FAA regulations state that anything over 50 pounds must be checked.”
6. The Smart Bed’s Last Stand
A guy buys a brand-new smart bed, one of those high-tech ones that adjust firmness based on your weight. First night, he lays down, and the bed immediately deflates.
Confused, he calls customer support.
“My bed won’t hold air,” he says.
The rep pauses. “Sir, have you tried the auto-adjust feature?”
“I did.”
“And what happened?”
“The bed called an Uber and left.”
7. The Space Mission
NASA announces a new mission to send a group of civilians to the moon. A fat man applies and is immediately accepted.
When asked why, the NASA official says:
We need someone who can handle the pressure. Literally. The moon’s gravity is weaker, so we need a counterbalance to keep the ship steady.
Plus, if we run out of food, he’s got reserves. He’s not just a passenger—he’s part of the life support system.
The man nods and says, “Finally, my weight is a national security issue. Take that, gym teachers.”
Why These Jokes Aren’t on Social Media
In today’s world, humor like this gets flagged, canceled, and buried under outrage. The internet loves edgy jokes—but only in private. That’s why these aren’t on social media.
They live only here on my website, where comedy can breathe without a thousand people clutching their pearls. If you appreciate jokes that push the limits without caving to the thought police, stick around. There’s plenty more where this came from.
